On my 25th birthday in June 2010 we found out we were pregnant with our first. We prepared everything for the arrival of our son Alexander Michael. On February 8, 2011 our hearts were broken when a week and a day before Alexander was due we were told that he had no heartbeat. Alexander was silently born on February 10, 2011 he weighed 6 lbs 10 oz, was 20 inches long, had sandy brown hair and really big feet. We love him and miss him dearly. This is my place for reflection on my life since his birth. We are currently expecting a rainbow baby named Oliver, a little brother due Sept 21, 2012. I love both my boys, the one who paints the clouds and my rainbow growing in my womb, tremendously and I thank God for blessing me with both of them everyday.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

(im)Patiently Waiting for My Rainbow

So I haven't posted much lately. I'm bad about keeping up with anything like this for very long. I've tried to keep journals and sketchbooks and diaries. They always start off regular and then taper off until I give up. But my creative process is like that too. I get really involved in say painting and then get bored and move on to another medium. I eventually will go back to painting but in the meantime I've worked with jewelry, book making, altered books, a sculpture project etc. So I'm hoping in the next two weeks I'll write all the posts that I meant to write in July and Aug. But for now I'll update you about my Rainbow pregnancy with Oliver.
37 weeks with Oliver

I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant. Oliver is due to arrive via induction on Sept 14th, in just 13 days, and frankly I'm getting impatient to meet the little guy. I feel like not only have I been waiting the 9 months I've been pregnant but also the 10 months we waited between Alexander's stillbirth and conceiving Oliver and the 9 months I was pregnant with Alexander. That's over 2 years of waiting. And while I haven't really been waiting two years for Oliver I have been waiting two years to hold my baby in my arms, feed him, and take him home. I know there are parents who wait much longer then that because of infertility, multiple losses, etc, so I really am thankful to have to only wait two years. And I have less then 2 weeks to wait now. I'm supper excited to meet my little boy. I think I'll have a hard time putting him down or letting other people hold him for a long time.

That being said I also have fear that I won't ever get to meet Oliver, he'll join his brother in heaven, and once again I'll have to face the miracle of childbirth without the miracle screaming at the end. I'm so glad that I'm at the dr's office 2+ times a week as I think If I didn't get hooked up to that monitor and just get to sit and listen to Oliver's heartbeat every couple days I would have a lot more anxiety. And really Oliver is moving a lot more then Alexander at this point in his pregnancy. Alexander's movements had slowed way down at this point.I wish I had been monitored like I am now with him because maybe they would have known he was struggling and I'd have a little 18 month old running around.

Honestly, I am pretty confident that I'll get to take my baby home this time but that fear keeps creeping in. I try and give it to God every time but more often then not I find myself not trusting God to handle it but pleading with God to keep my baby safe and healthy on earth. I try to make sure I always offer a prayer of thanksgiving for both of my little boys. I Thank God everyday for taking care of Alexander in heaven and blessing me with Oliver in my womb. I really am thankful for both of my children.

So for now I  try to focus on being thankful and not on fear as I wait to meet my second little miracle.


  1. That fear is never far away, is it honey? We know now that trusting God does not always mean good things happen. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Oliver in the next two weeks. I'm sure it will be the longest 2 weeks of your life - well maybe the second longest times after those of waiting to meet Alexander and process all that went on in those times, but I pray that you will rest in peace in this time, and be able to enjoy the small moments of the last of this pregnancy.
    I can't wait to meet your little guy!!

  2. Can't wait to see Oliver! Love his name!

  3. Thinking of you today!!! Love, Hugs, and prayers!! xo